Igor's Secret Journal
by jwhaler82
Summary: A look into the miserable life of Dracula's newest underling.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: A humorous look into the miserable life of Dracula's new minion. And yes, the poor grammer is on purpose.

* * *

Halloween Night- 1887 

Dear Journal,

Today, Igor checked his eHarmony account. I was shocked to see that I still have no matches. This makes Igor sad. Is there no one out there for poor Igor. Igor knows he is short…and pale…and covered with warts…(smiling) I do have five of my original teeth…and then, there's the hump on my back…I do not believe in bathing…and I live in my master's basement and have an annual income of $0.00, but, surely, there is somebody out there who does not mind all that. After all, did not a wise man once say that "it is not what is outside, but what is inside that matters?"

(Igor flushes the toilet and continues writing.)

But Dr. Frankenstein has always been kind to me. I remember the day we met. He did not even call the police when Igor tried to steal his carriage. Instead, he brought me to live with him in his castle, and gave me food. He is such a good man. I almost feel bad that I am going to be stabbing him in the back tonight. After he finishes his great experiment, I am telling him that I going to work for the great Count Dracula. Dr. Frankenstein has always given me kindness, even when Igor did not deserve it, but what is kindness? I cannot spend kindness. Count Dracula says he would pay me real money to betray my master and join him. Igor is no dummy, Igor took the money.

* * *

(Later that night) 

Igor has done it. Igor has told master that he is leaving master for money. I was surprised that the doctor did not yell at me. But he may have been busy trying to stop Count Dracula from drinking his blood. I wonder if he will still let me have is gramophone. After Dracula finished with Dr. Frankenstein, the doctor's creature attacked him. I ran up to the monster and told him to leave the master alone. He threw me against a wall. Next time Igor has to face the creature, he will get someone else to do it.

As Igor runs from the castle, he sees Dr. Frankenstein's monster running ahead, carrying the master's lifeless body. I called to him, but even Igor knew the doctor could not hear him. After all, he's dead! Just then, I heard thunder. I looked up, but I saw no storm clouds. They had all passed. I felt the ground shake. An earthquake? No, even Igor knows there are no earthquakes in Romania. I turned around. GREAT GOOSEBERRIES! There are hundreds of Transylvanian, torch-throwing, peasants coming my way. I tried to run, but Igor is not so fast. Poor Igor get trampled by every single peasant…and one fat horse.

Tonight, I will look ahead to the future, and my new life working for the great Count Dracula. But tonight, I will take some aspirin and try healing the injuries received from my encounter with the peasants.


	2. Chapter 2

1st of November, 1887 

Today, Igor has made the big move to Dracula's castle. Since Igor's back is still broke, Master had his servants take Igor's things to his castle. They're a bunch of little people in black hoods and goggles. Master calls them Dwergi. I call them what they are…mutated munchkins. One of them seems to like me. He follows me everywhere, even when I tell him, "Get away from me, or I'll get my cattle prong!" Maybe Igor wouldn't mind him so much if he just learned to speak in English. Well, Igor must adjust. I call my new friend, Bob. When he ask why I choose to call him Bob, I tell him not to question me, and if he's going to be following me around, call me Boss. Bob is very obedient.

To get to the Count's castle, we all had to travel through a mirror. I still don't know why or how. As Igor admired himself in the mirror, master grew impatient and pushed me through. He's just jealous, because I have a reflection.

When Igor arrive at the master's castle, Master show me to my room. It is larger than my room back at Castle Frankenstein. (excitedly) And there's a gramophone, too! Igor take it! Master say that the room used to belong to Master's old minion, Renfro. Master did not say what happened to Mr. Renfro, but he made Igor wash the chalk outlines off the floor by myself. I think Mr. Renfro may have had some questionable hobbies.

Master says that as his servant, Igor is in charge of the laboratory, but I am also in charge of taking care of the werewolves and the dwergi. So pitiful Igor is supposed to babysit the psycho dogs and the mutant munchkins. The thought of having to spend all my time with Bob…Eeewww! Plus I am to do whatever Master tells me to do without question.

"This sucks!" I tell Master. Then Master pays me.

"But I can adjust!" I say.


	3. Chapter 3

23rd of September, 1888 

Igor has been serving Master for almost a year now, and things have never been better. Except that, as the werewolf keeper, I've been bitten so many times, that my hand's swollen to the size of a beach ball. I don't know why I haven't become a werewolf myself. Master says it's because I'm different. I don't know what he's talking about. The mutant munchkins are still annoying little freaks, but they're smart and very industrious. Bob is learning to speak English. He's learned how to say "you" and "airhead". This is great, but I wish he wouldn't look at me when he says it. Igor's eHarmony account is still zip, but Igor doesn't care. He's meeting people down in the village. At first, no one want to get to know me. Then I tell them I work for Count Dracula. Now everyone in town respects me. Truly, they know what a great man he is. Igor even has a date with the cute barmaid from the tavern. I wonder if she's ever seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I think everyone should see it at least once. It's such an artistic movie.

Today, Dracula has told me about his plan to exterminate the last of the pesky Valarious family. So, he had me go turn the werewolf loose. I hope he appreciates it. That thing chewed on my leg for five minutes after it was released.

That makes Igor so mad, Igor wants to just ($!#&)($!#&)!


	4. Chapter 4

28th of October, 1888 

Igor has been a little under the weather lately. Nobody seems to notice. They think I look like this all the time. It's this dang weather! It's always snowing. And it's always so drafty in this castle. I remember telling Master that we should stoke the furnace. Master say we don't have one. "Okay," Igor says, "Then we should buy one."

Master's old werewolf was killed last month by Prince Velken, but no worries. The wolf scratched the good prince and they both went swimming in the river. Master sent me to fetch him. We, that is me and the munchkins, found him by the riverbank. He was shaking himself dry and scratching behind his ear with his foot. Igor wishes he had his camera, but Bob let me borrow his. And so, Prince Velken Valarious has become Master's new werewolf. But not all of us are happy about this. Velken is even more unruly than the last werewolf. This morning, he left me a present by my bed. You'd think a twenty-something gypsy prince would be housebroken.

Anywho, according to our very reliable sources in the village, two men from Hollywood have arrived to stop us. Or did they say they wanted to give us a movie deal? I don't remember. But we can soon find out. Master tells Igor to send Prince Velken to find out who these men are and what they want with Master. Then he wants me to take the mutant munchkins back to Castle Frankenstein to prepare for the experiment. Igor tell Master he's too sick to get out of bed. Master pay me three extra dollars. Suddenly, I feel much better. I guess I'd better go get my new werewolf-keeper suit. As I say before, Velken is…unruly.


	5. Chapter 5

October…Uhh, Same Night! 

Igor decides to surprise Master and his brides as they enter Castle Frankenstein. As Master and brides enter the castle, they pass by a shelf of dead heads. When the walk to the last head (Me, Igor), I sing,

"I Ain't Got Nobody, And Nobody Cares For Me!

Ha Cha Cha Cha Cha!"

Master jumped. Both the Brides jumped. So Igor falls on the floor laughing. Master kick me. He's just jealous. First, because he has no reflection and now, no sense of humor.

Anyway…

Master says take us to the lab.

"Walk this way, Master." Igor hobbles down the hallway, left foot always in front of the right one. Then, I look back. Master and his brides are walking upright. I groan. Were they not listening? I turn around and repeat, "Walk 'this way'!" Rolling his eyes, Master hunches over and does it the right way. His brides to the same.

We get to the lab where the Dwergi are busy at work. They are all very obedient. I wonder if they even know they're not being paid. Heh, Heh.

Just then, Velken the Wolf Man arrives in the lab. After bungie-jumping- (Oh, no, wait, he forgot his cord. Eh, he still lands on his feet). Anyway, after freefalling down into the lab, the Wolf Man tears off his skin and becomes Velken again. Igor peels his skin every few months. It makes a big stink, but Igor doesn't look no better. Well, back to Business. We are using Prince Velken to put life into Dracula's children. The Count wanted to use Dr. Frankenstein's monster, but the monster jumped out of a burning windmill and went splat. At least that's what I heard. The Dwergi load Velken onto the table. They raise him up. Igor throws the first switch. Then Igor throws the second switch. Finally, Igor throws the third switch. So much electricity! By throwing the third switch, I get electrocuted. The experiment seems to be successful; Master's mutant spawn are coming to life. Master and his brides go to see. Igor has to stay in the lab and make sure the mutant spawn stay alive.

Igor struggles to keep the room electrified. But no matter how much energy with we pump into the gypsy prince, I don't think he can sustain the Master's spawn. (What? I'm not that big of an idiot. I have a good idea every now and then. I suggested to Master that those DIE HARD car batteries from SEARS would probably work better than a werewolf, but Master insisted on a living host. And he calls me stupid?) Just then, Princess Anna bursts into the room. She tries climbing up to the roof to get her brother. Igor should go after her, but I am busy trying to keep Master's spawn alive, and besides, she might hurt me. I can't leave my post, so I send the Dwergi after her. My mistake. The Dwergi are about as effective at stopping her, as FEMA is at stopping flooding in Louisiana. I don't think she got him though, because he turned back into a werewolf and chased her away.

Master says he met the man from Hollywood. His name is Gabriel Van Helsing. He's not here to offer Master a movie deal, he's here to kill him. I laugh. Master cannot be killed; everyone knows this. If he could, Igor would blackmail him for more money. Master sends the wolf-man to finish Mr. Van Helsing.

Bob gets back from the village with my soup, he says he saw a monk in the village, and he was hitting on my woman. So, this "monkey" is trying to steal Igor's woman, but he forgets, Igor is more evolved, Igor is smarter, and Igor has an opposable thumb. I'm going to kill this monkey!


	6. Chapter 6

29th of October, 1888 

Igor is feeling much better, thanks for asking. That soup seems to be doing the trick.

Master barges into my room at seven-thirty in the morning, and tells Igor that he has a job for me to do. Igor go back to sleep. Igor isn't awake until at least ten. Of course, if Master were to pay me…

But, No! Master orders the Dwergi to flip my bed over. Igor is awake now. I tell Master that I will get to the lab, but Master stops me. He says he has a different job for me. Master says that I must go to Budapest. He says that Dogboy, er I mean Prince Velken, found Van Helsing and Princess Anna with Dr. Frankenstein's monster at the old mill. I guess some people will live anywhere to hide from the bill collectors. With the Monster alive, Master will be able to bring his offspring to life permanently, (groaning) which means more work for Igor. Master says Van Helsing will be sneaking the Monster out of Transylvania. Me and the Dwergi are to go to Budapest and head them off. Master pays me and Igor goes to work.

* * *

30th of October, 1888 

I arrive in Booda-, Buddha-, Igor is train-lagged, I can't spell right now. I'm in the big city in Hungary. I arrived this morning with the Dwergi. The train ride was excellent. Igor rode in first class and the Dwergi rode in the baggage car as pets. First class was really great, except that they ran out of Mountain Dew and Raisinets. I got the fish instead of the chicken meal, and the movie they showed was "Master of Disguise" with Dana Carvey. You know, some people say I look like Dana Carvey when he was Garth on Wayne's World. I would have to respectfully disagree with that, I'm much better looking.

When we arrive, Me and the Dwergi go straight to the Master's summer home. There, Igor meets Ms. Mina Harker, the interior decorator. When I introduce myself, she tells me I smell funny. Igor is flattered. She says she has specific orders from the Master. She is decorating for the Halloween Ball, tomorrow night. Ooh, Igor loves parties! But Ms. Harker says that Master says I'm not invited. (Igor pouts.) Me and the Dwergi and any undead minions I can round up are to search the city for where Van Helsing has hidden the Monster. This stinks, but at least I'm getting paid.

Now, to round up some minions of the undead. It should not be to difficult, since all of the Masters friends are undead. Methinks Master needs to get out and meet new people, preferably people with a pulse.

* * *

31st of October, 1888 

Igor is in the pool house behind Master's summer home, playing poker with two zombies and some Dwergi. Right now, I'm losing to one of the zombies. Igor thinks it's embarrassing to be losing to a guy with his head on backwards. But Igor doesn't mind the company. Except that all the zombies talk about it dirt, and the Dwergi can't speak clear English. Not all of them are as smart as Bob. Right now, Bob is patrolling the city with the Dwergi and the zombies, looking for the Monster. Right now, Igor has a straight of diamonds. Igor may win this time. Everyone else has folded. Igor lays his cards down. "Beat that!" I say. Then Backwards Man lays down a Royal Flush. "DANGIT! Foiled again." Just then, Bob runs in. He says he found the monster. It's in a crypt in the old cemetery. "Let's go!" I say.

When we get to the cemetery, Bob takes us to the crypt. The door is bolted shut. As we stand around, wondering how we're going to get in, Backwards Man tells everyone how I have a hard head. Igor does not deny this. I can be a bit uptight sometimes, but is it too much to ask for a little…Why is everyone staring at me? Do I have a zit?

NOOOOO!

Igor is a little dizzy after being used as a battering ram. We did get the Monster, but there is not enough aspirin in the world for a headache like this. We chain up the Monster and take him up to the castle. Master's niece announces us as we enter. She's cute, but she's not sexy like Master's bride, Aleera. As we walk through the ballroom with the Monster, Igor tries some of the crab dip. Wait, crab dip? Igor is allergic to crabs. My face swells up like a balloon. Fortunately, no one notices. Am I really that ugly?

We take the Monster to the dock out back. Apparently, we're taking to the Monster back to Transylvania by boat. That makes sense. It would probably be too weird for some people to see this big undead creature being hauled through customs check. Outside, Igor sees blinding lights flash inside the castle. It must be time for the disco. Master sure knows how to throw a good party. I see Van Helsing, Princess Anna and the monkey swimming in the canal. And a shout to them as a head out of sight, "Happy Halloween to all and to all a good fright night!"


	7. Chapter 7

1st of November, 1888 

We arrived back in Transylvania late in the evening. Well, after a job well done, Igor feels he has earned a little downtime. But, Noooo! Master orders Igor to start moving the lab equipment from Frankenstein's castle to Master's castle. "But, Master, I've done so much already." Master threatens to kill me, and I go to work.

* * *

2nd of November, 1888

We have finished setting up the lab in Master's castle, and now I have to go and check to see if the cables are hooked up to the pods.

"Igor do this, Igor do that!" Igor grumbles as he trudges thru the castle, "Why is it always so dang cold in this place?!"

As Igor passes the main entrance hall, he sees Van Helsing, Princess Anna and the monkey. Igor is shocked. "This is impossible! How did you find…oh, Dang Mapquest!" I try to run, but then Van Helsing attacks me with power tools.

"Please don't kill me!" I beg.

"Why shouldn't I?" asks Van Helsing.

Oh, dang, Igor needs a minute to think about that one.

Just then, the monster passes by in the dumbwaiter. We actually had to build a larger dumbwaiter system to get his big butt all the way up to the lab. He tells Van Helsing about the werewolf cure. So, Van Helsing was bitten by the Wolf-Man. That explains why he's been sniffing me this whole time. Van Helsing tells me to take his friends to the cure. Igor won't do it. Van Helsing threatens to kill me. Ok, I'll do it. Then he takes my clippers and tells the princess to clip off one of my fingers, if she thinks I'm messing with them. She says she'll definitely clip off something. Igor squeals like a little girl. I'm so not getting paid enough for this.

As I lead the princess and the monkey to the cure, the princess catches me checking her out. She kicks poor Igor in the groin and holds up the clippers. I ask you, when did women get to be so violent?

When we get to the cure, Igor pushes them into the room and drops an iron gate over the entrance. I do my happy dance. "Igor outsmarts the heroes!" I sing. Princess Anna throws the clippers at me thru the gate, and they hit me in the head. Well, at least she didn't cut off my fingers, or whatever. But now that Igor has Van Helsing's monkey, I think I kill him. I go and get my cattle prod from my room. It's under my bed, hiding behind my records and my Sports Illustrated Swimsuit magazines. When I come back, there is a hole in the gate and the princess and the monkey have escaped. Igor looks out the window and sees the monkey running across the bridge to the lab. Igor charges after him.

When Igor catches up with the monkey, I attack him with my cattle prod. I almost catch him but he's too fast.

"Stop moving, you stupid monkey," I shout, "This is what monkey gets for stealing Igor's woman!"

But just then, the monster swings by doing a Tarzan howl. (He wasn't doing a Tarzan howl. I just said that because it was funny.) As he swings over the bridge, his rope slides along the top. The monkey ducks, but Igor is not so fast. I am knocked off the bridge and plummet to my death.

Death? But Igor is not dead. Igor is here writing in his journal. How did Igor survive? I tell you…

As Igor plummets to "what seems to be" his death, Igor lands in something soft (sniff, sniff) and stinky, too. Ewww, Igor landed on a big, stinky mountain of werewolf poop. A few feet away, Igor find Bob with his feet wriggling around in the air. He says Van Helsing threw him out of a window in the lab. Igor is so glad he didn't clean out the werewolf pen when Master asked him to. But now, I think Igor needs a bath.

* * *

Well, Master is dead, master's brides are dead, and Igor's woman has left me for a monkey. Clearly, there is nothing here for Igor. Tomorrow, Me and Bob are going to Hollywood. We will become big movie stars, and have more money and women then we know what to do with. Hollywood, get ready, because here we come!

* * *

THE END

So, what do you think? Please R&R!


End file.
